Content warning: self-injury; mentions of child abuse and substance use.

I’ve battled many addictions, from shopping and hoarding to drugs and alcohol, all just different symptoms of the same disorder. But the first and hardest addiction to quit has been self-injury.

When I was 12 I started cutting myself. Even before that though, I don’t even remember when exactly it started, I began hitting myself. Because my father beat me, I learned to beat myself when I was angry. Now it’s been a few years since I last cut myself, but it’s only been 90 days since the last time I hit myself.

I am truly amazed that I was able to get this far. I am being completely honest when I say this has been more difficult than kicking drugs. My fists are always attached to my body, I have to go out and buy drugs to use them.

Unfortunately I could relapse at a moment’s notice, but I won’t dwell on that fact. If I relapse I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going. Just because my clean time counter resets doesn’t mean all that work suddenly just disappears, these 90 days will ALWAYS count for something. Nothing will ever take away the fact that for these last 3 months I have not cut, hit, scratched, or bit myself.

I truly believe that if I could do this, you can break any bad habit too. Sometimes it’s a matter of gritting your teeth and sitting on your hands, but it’s well worth the effort.

Thank you for reading, please be kind to yourself, and I’ll see you in the next post!